If you’re looking for a husband, go where you’re likely to meet men who are good husband material. I met mine in a gay religious organization, not in a back room or a “sex right this second” chat room.

To people who don’t see what the big deal is over gay marriage: Which part of “equal protection of the laws” do you not understand?

I am a gay surfer, and I do mean the ocean variety. I am around the hottest and nicest guys, all straight, who accept me as a good surfer and good comrade. Why don’t more gay men surf?

To a certain nightclub owner: Sooner or later you are gonna get caught refilling empty top-shelf bottles with cheap, rail liquors and selling it as top-shelf. People are noticing.

To the guy who bitched about my shiny hair, my vanity and my hovel of a bedroom: You inspired me to reorganize my room, so now it’s much more spacious. And I’ll try to be more attentive to others. It’s hard though, as most people don’t interest me very much.

Unless you’re paying my bills or sleeping in my bed, I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think about how I look or who I sleep with.

Enough with the line about being “drug and disease free” in online personals. Most guys haven’t been tested for at least six months and half of them want to have unsafe sex. They probably aren’t D/D free or won’t be for long.

Why do so many lesbians have kids, you ask? Because we’re building an army for when we take over the world and turn it into a giant peacenik co-op where everyone will worship the womb!

Either there are more gay men than lesbians, or gay men are better at pretending that they aren’t swimming in a sea of former lovers every time they go out.

So you work out at the gym and take steroids? For what? You still can’t even see your abs. You claim to be in a “bulking up” phase, but the truth is you are just fat, Mary.

To the person who complained that therapy is an overpriced scam: Counseling isn’t for everyone, but I’m certain it helped me during my struggle with depression.

Stop asking me to form a triad with you and your boyfriend just because I’m single. I’m single because it’s difficult to meet monogamous men.

To the people who think the gay rights movement is male-centered: Take a look at the data on same-sex marriage. It’s the girls that get (and stay) married, not the boys.

To the jerk judging casual sex: I grew up in a prudish, sex-negative home that ironically screwed me and my siblings. I judged that, and the verdict was guilty.

Dude, stop bitching about the “femme twinks.” There was a time when they were the only ones who would stand up for your rights, musclehead.

To you black lesbians who only date white women: Please don’t ask to borrow another dime to play the game of letting your white woman think you are wealthy.

Whenever you see a cute guy, you shower him with gratuitous insults and wonder why you don’t get more dates. With that M.O., your only hope for dates is to buy a package of them at the supermarket.

Since when did grocery shopping become an audition for “America’s Next Top Model?” If you queens don’t stop using the supermarket aisles as a cat walk, I’m gonna start dropping banana peels.

Your party had some good-looking guys and good food. Too bad all I heard from anyone was about their job and where they went to school. I should have stayed home and read a book or masturbated.

Loads of overdraft fees! Won’t that bitch at the bank just accept that I will not buy my clothes at Wal-Mart just to follow her stupid rule?

To the bull-dyke who tried to intimidate me into not talking to the hot blond by getting in my face with, “She’s mine!” If you didn’t want anyone talking to her, keep her home and don’t bring her to social gatherings.

To the guy who bitched, “Who gives a fuck if you’re gay or not? It used to not be an issue.” Well, maybe it should remain an issue until we get equal rights.

Why yes, as a matter of fact, there is something to men over 40 being more sexed up than when they were younger. It’s called mortality awareness. Get ‘em while you can, dudes!

To the guy who says steroid users don’t make people feel insecure: Steroid users themselves are insecure! Why else would they take expensive illegal drugs in the first place?

If you’re going to bash gays about their lack of car knowledge, at least realize there is no such thing as a ‘57 Camaro. Production started in 1967.

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