Wanted: Very important, married white male seeks obscure, unrenowned, single white female for a lifetime appointment to the country's highest court. You must be 1) a woman, 2) inexperienced and 3) a friend of mine. Current or former judges need not apply.

In the previous installment of this column, I purred wistfully about the prospect of replacing retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor with another woman. As men already occupy seven of the nine seats on the bench, the gender gap on the high court certainly could use a stitch, or three.

Bring us a woman with conviction, I dared. A woman boldly unafraid to uphold controversial legal precedent. A woman who might be able to give a sister like Ruth Bader Ginsburg a few make-up pointers.

And sure enough, our president did that for which I had crossed my fingers. He gave us a woman candidate. Only glitch is, she's a woman with about as much chance of being confirmed as 1) me, or 2) Miss Piggy.

On Oct. 3, President Bush nominated White House counsel Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. Miers has served as an adviser to Bush for many years, as well as his very own personal lawyer. Based on the ever-present glint in his eye as the president continues to puff about his nominee, it would not surprise me in the least to also learn that Miers was, at one point, his date for the senior prom.

While Miers' professional accomplishments, including stints as the past president of the Dallas Bar Association and Texas Lottery Commission, may be brag-worthy, they do not qualify her to sit on the Supreme Court.

Sure, she had been described by some acquaintances in the Senate as "honest" and "hardworking." Others still have touted Miers as "loyal," and a woman "who will do what the President thinks she should."

Uh huh, that's nice, but it is statements like these that lead me to wonder whether Miers has been nominated to replace the first woman ever to serve on the Supreme Court, or to replace Barney, the Bush's four-legged friend?

I mean, is it really an asset to be praised as a person who will do as the president thinks she should? Sit Harriet! Stay Harriet! Vote to overturn Roe v. Wade, Harriet!

Despite what could be an impressive career, Miers sorely lacks the one qualification that should be — but apparently is not — a prerequisite for confirmation to the highest court in all the land. She has never, ever banged a gavel. Even the recently anointed Chief Justice John Roberts served as an appellate judge for a couple of minutes prior to being propped up in his big chair.

In fact, each of the nine present members of the court held judicial offices prior to their nominations. Interestingly, the recently passed Chief Justice William Rehnquist took his seat having never before served as a judge. By nominating a person with zero judicial experience, our president has all but set up Miers for failure, as her lack of public record on the bench — heck, her lack of public record anywhere — will no doubt leave too many questions unanswered during her upcoming round of confirmation hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee.

To we the people, confirming Miers to the high court would be analogous to having our skulls cracked open by a med student who has yet to practice the fine art of brain surgery on a formaldehyde-filled pig. Maybe she'll do fine. Or maybe she'll lose us on the operating table.

The Supreme Court is no place to promote a "sink or swim" mentality. An associate justice's job requires her to make decisions directly affecting the rest of our lives and liberties. Mine and yours. If it turns out that Miers can't swim, it will be we who'll sink.

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