Surely the guy was just trying to be nice. Am I an asshole? Was I reading way too much into it by seeing it as a man pompously correcting me—and infantilizing me with the cloying baby talk while he was at it—and determining for me my proper place in the world? That Tad, who's never met me, didn't listen to what I was saying, and had to spout homilies from to add insult to insult? He's gonna tell me what my “gifts” are? Him and his ?

I told him (nicely, for me) why it had bugged me, but took the blame on myself for being overly bitchy and said I truly hoped he had a good day. He responded that I had issues and clearly needed counseling and said it was no wonder I don't have a boyfriend. Then he thanked me for showing him early how ugly I was on the inside.

So I got in another fight (I am my mother's daughter), this time with . “I'm a,”-fat and has eight inches of biker beard jutting out of his chin. Max and I were having a charming conversation on the patio, where I'd gone in a snit to stalk some folks who'd done me wrong, which, as you know, is most of them.

A most delicious car chase had just ended blocks from the door, with all of us whooping at the teevee each time we saw the perp pass another Laguna Niguel offramp. Somewhere close, he exited, flipped a bitch and leaped out of his car running. But he wasn't fast enough for (clearly, no doughnuts), who caught up to the perp like he was taking a Sunday stroll and took him out with a lovely and effective flying tackle.

“Yay!” shouted we inside, and I went onto the patio to pass on the exciting car-chase news. That's when Max started in on the . Why? I don't know, because Max was very, very drunk, which I understand, but what I don't understand is why everyone's got a hard-on for the ACLU.

Me: Hey, what's wrong with the ACLU? They defend everyone's rights, whether they agree with you or not! The Constitution is the most beautiful document in history, and they defend everyone's constitutional rights, whether you're a liberal or a right-winger or a Nazi! Even if you're a total asshole, they'll defend your rights.

And that's when I started thinking about Harriet Miers again. We're exactly alike, except that she's old and rough-looking and a fundamentalist Christian and 's “work wife,” and I'm young and pretty and have never had a mullet and don't ever remember anyone's birthday and have taken constitutional law.

What the hell is everybody's problem with fighting for our constitutional rights and due processes? Why did the of the 1950s and 1980s find that American kids think the maybe doesn't include religious freedom if it's applied to non-Christians, and why were those kids so happy to let the fuzz in without a warrant so long as the fuzz were after blacks? Why is it up to, like, me and to give a fuck? Why the constant hate for the ACLU, which just opened up its first OC office, and I forgot to send a muffin basket? And what do we do about Harriet?

I don't know, frankly. The president did manage to confuse me but good. Nevada Democrat 's for her? The far Right's losing its shit—and, without a drop of irony, is saying she hasn't made her views clear enough, even though when we said that all of three weeks ago vis-à-vis we were “obstructionist” “scoundrels” and “scallywags”? Is their short-term memory truly so shot? And can I have some of that?

“I AM the people—the mob—the crowd—the mass. Do you know that all the great work of the world is done through me? I am the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world's food and clothes. I am the audience that witnesses history. The Napoleons come from me and the Lincolns. They die. And then I send forth more Napoleons and Lincolns.

“I am the seed ground. I am a prairie that will stand for much plowing. Terrible storms pass over me. I forget. The best of me is sucked out and wasted. I forget. Everything but Death comes to me and makes me work and give up what I have. And I forget.

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