My wife and I are faced with a conundrum on which we would like an outside opinion. We have been married for 20 years, non-monogamous for about 16 of them. We first began swinging, then moved on to what would be defined as more of a polysexual lifestyle. We mainly have separate sex affairs, sometimes we still play together and generally we seek out partners through online personals.
The May 1 issue of The New Yorker features an article called "Carnal Knowledge" by Bill Buford, in which the author decides to buy himself a whole pig to butcher. Though he doesn't take on this task carelessly, his decision causes some frank indignation from people around him, and his experience proves that many people require proper distance from the fact that meat actually comes from an animal. It's as though the kind of earthly candour with which Buford approached this enterprise implies a level of impropriety, a lack of discretion and respect.
I think your experience shows that we foist similar convictions on sex, and that many people attribute the same quality of unseemliness to candid non-monogamy. When you deviate by being open and realistic in your needs, suddenly the act takes on an aspect of normalcy and a lack of apprehension. This seems to trouble folks to the point of fear, which often comes across as contempt. You have to face certain ostensibly mundane facts in this situation -- for example, that you're not a clandestine paramour (ooh la la!).
When you're in an affair, it can be romantic to imagine that someone is not simply enhancing their already satisfying life (which isn't always the case anyway), but getting away from something insufficient. It's a situation that gives you a bit of notability, misguided and shabby as it may be. You matter. People want to matter. We want to give importance to the things that obsess us. If Georges Bataille, Mr. Sex and Death himself, were available for comment, he might say something like, "This is why we have tombstones and erotica."
At any rate, even if you are sympathetic to these ingrained perceptions, you've likely worked hard to establish a rhythm and respectful parameters in your marriage. Anyone who's been involved in open relationships knows what monumental head- and heartache they can be at times. Just the other day, a friend was saying she had given up on the whole pursuit because she felt the 17 hours of brain-throbbing debate did not justify the three hours of sex she got in return. You've clearly made it over some big obstacles, but are you really prepared to take on the host of others that will arise when you front as a cheater?
I asked my openly bisexual pal Roland how he was faring these days and he relayed a tale from his adventures on Nerve. He met a girl, they exchanged flirtatious pleasantries, and though Roland had come out as queer to this straight woman, he was worried about discussing the issue of non-monogamy.
"That bridge gets crossed slowly sometimes," he said. "Piece by piece, the puzzle becomes clear, you know?" They had several pretty chaste dates, but by the sixth, they made it into the sack, an experience he felt was satisfying for both involved.
"The next two weeks were crazy for both of us because it was the holidays and we didn't really connect," he said. "But in the new year, I'm like, 'Hey, let's hang out!' She says we need to talk and I'm like, 'Spit it out.' So she tells me she once had her heart broken by a queer guy and didn't want to take the chance again. I said something stupid and basically told her to fuck off, but I wish I'd said, 'And you've never had your heart broken by any straight boys, right?'"
In retrospect, Roland says he actually believes it was the non-monogamy that was an issue rather than the bisexuality, though I'd be willing to bet it was a little from column A and a little from column B. Whatever the case, the essence of this judgment -- one based on a perceived lack of discrimination that will impede any chance at a proper relationship -- is not uncommon to bisexuals, whether they're male or female. So then, why aren't you dating bisexual women, and I mean real ones, not just Girls Gone Wild? You wouldn't happen to have some intrinsic prejudices against bisexuals yourself, would you? As Roland points out, "If you're gonna 'own' queer, then you're gonna need to find other queers to fuck."
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